No.1 paper for all your guttermouth AN(A)L news. 7/12/01
A CoW of a time by El Bandito A third of the way into the season, two players are becoming popular choices amongst team owners in the league. That Argentine longhorn, Veron, and the Danish frisian, Schmeichel, have consistently appeared in player selections every week. Other players have also proved to be choice cuts, including Bellamy, Saha, Ziege and Kewell. Milk The current trend may not last however. Saha's ability to milk the goals has been sliding downhill since the first two weeks of the season, and Ziege may well find himself in a similar position in coming weeks. With much more of the season to come, a second batch of choice selections may appear. Veal may become the keyword as youngsters such as Defoe, J. Wright, J. Cole, Terry and Mawene come to the fore. Hence At the same time, Chelsea players may show up on team lists more often now that the club has no further commitments in Euro, hence theoretically may not be rotated as often as before. That Dutch Frisian, Zenden, might eventually put in consistently high-scoring performances that will vindicate team owners who have stuck with him all this while. To date, his performances have been nothing short of spotty. Moo It will be interesting to see what developments there are over the next few weeks as the ANFA Cup and Champions League comps go into full swing. With one eye on the formbook and one eye on Kournikova (goodness gracious, what a milky bovinobabilicious milkmaid!), we bid you a big Moo for the rest of the season.	ROBBIE KEANE REVEALED AS SPACE MONSTER!! O'LEARY KNEW ALL ALONG ROBBIE KEANE has today been sensationaly outed as a creature from outer space. The Speculation had been growing in the last month as to whether he was actually an Earth based lifeform or some kind of Xenomorph but only now are the details being disclosed to the public It was confirmed yesterday night when we called on, high profile agent, Eric Hall. When asked whether the rumours were true Mr Hall would only go on record as saying 'Monster, monster'. Which was proof enough for us. The first clues as towards his unearthly origin were shown last month in the match against Manchester United in which to tried to rip off David Beckham's head. It was a miraculous escape for both Beckham and Keane, ARTIST'S IMPRESSION: How Keane would look minus face mask. KEANE (right): doing the mash, the monster mash as the referee did not deem the attempted decapitation a sending-off offence. Beckham said 'I could feel him trying to twist my head off but I managed to pull away at the last second. 'it would have been disastrous to my football career if he had suceeded. When confronted with the irrefutable proof Robbie Keane was heard to say 'Me? a monsterRRrrrrrrrRUAAAAAARGH!! BRAINS!!! must have BRAINS!!!!!! However, his lust for brains just begs the question... why was he after Beckham?
	MAD REF'S DISEASE!! FA ACCUSED OF COVER-UP NEWS CAME to light today of a scandal set to shock the world of Professional Refereeing. An outbreak of a disease known tentatively as 'Where are your glasses referee? Disease' has swept throughout the ranks of the Premier League's panel of referees. Scientists are believed to be working hard to find a solution to this epidemic. A statement has been circulated stating the symptoms as being:- 1. Giving rash red and yellow cards for inconsequential fouls 2. Failure to give red or yellow cards for brutal career threatening tackles and attempts to remove the cranium of an opponent. An investigation has been planned to find out the cause of the disease, whilst in the meantime the FA will do nothing of any real use.