MONSTER'S BALL
by Spike With Halloween fast approaching, we at the Anti-Nowhere Sport felt it only right that we should compile our own fantasy lineup of the most monstrous players, in looks or spirit, to 'grace' the stadia of the Premier League. Throughout this month I will be gradually unveiling my team of butt-uglies, Mr Angries and the plain creepies, along with their very own monster manager.
GOALKEEPER
With the dubious honour of being first pick in the Monster's XI we had to go for Edwin van der Sar. Looking an awful lot like a fair haired Lurch, from the Addams Family, the gangly Dutchman faced little competition for his place in this team of abominations. Honourable mentions must go out to jug eared Richard Wright and part-time Ivan Drago impersonator, Peter Schemeichel.
DEFENCE
First up, for left back, I'm going to go for John Arne Riise. The ginger nutted, Liverpool attacking full back, bears an uncanny resemblence to creepy presenter, Avid Merrion, of channel 4 show, Bo Selecta. When you think scary right back, only one name comes to mind... Danny Mills. With his aggressive style of play and shaven head, he looks and acts much like an extra from skinhead movie, American History X.
There are an abundance of monstrosities inhabiting the centre half positions these days but my choices are, Martin Keown and Darren 'Big Dave' Moore. Keown, looking like the brother that Lee Evans' parents kept in the attic and fed fish heads, is obviously the result of an experiment in which a human's DNA was crossed with that of a Spitting Image puppet. With the physique of a heavy weight boxer, would you dare spill Big Dave's pint? Me neither. This monstrous figure of a man probably eats brains for dinner, brains for lunch, brains for breakfast and brains for brunch.
MIDFIELD
Well it would be just plain wrong if I didn't start this section of monstrous midfield maestros with the one and only (and we can only thank god, or the space pixies as some of us believe, for that) Luke Chadwick. Now the poor kid has done nothing wrong and I almost feel bad for putting him in here.... but for the love of f**king god is he one ugly sumnabitch. He looks like the offspring of Gareth (from The Office) and a pizza with a pepperoni topping, extra pepperoni and a little pepperoni as garnish.
Next up, the ape man of Sunderland. Jason McAteer. A man, who shares 2% more DNA with chimpanzees than the 98% the rest of us do. He was once studied for 6 months by Diane Fossey and is regularly asked for his autograph due to being mistaken for a member of Supergrass. His claims to fame include; pretending to be literate during the Sundeland-Man U game and earning the nickname of Trigger, due to a number of quotes of pure comedic genius (apparently).
Innevitably we had to have the man who is more unpopular with the football fans of Britain than 'low-fat' is with Rik Waller... The Anti-Christ (or as some believe, a vampire) Roy Keane. With his devils haircut not only does he look evil but he has the temperament to match. He has been much vilified due to his attack on the poor defensless, harmless, 6 foot, 12 stone, Alfe Inge Haaland. It was also rumoured that he once bought a box of cookies from a girl scout and handed over the money with the words 'take that you c***'
FORWARDS
Gianfranco Zola, I'm not going to target any 'looks based' insults at him... it'd be too easy and I'm not a cruel person. He has it bad enough being a short arse and I really mean it when I say I'm not going to go on about how he looks like the Fonz, Rumple Stiltskin, an Oompa Loompa or one of those shrunken wrinkly midgets from the Phantasm movies. That would just be mean. So onto the Nwankwo Kanu bashing it is... unfortunately it seems someone got there before me. The footballing equivalent of a pug, it wouldn't surprise me if ol' N'wank has a blue tongue and sh*ts on the pavement in incomprehensible amounts. The final member of our all star team had to go to the man who at the age of 22 has already picked up 8 red cards. Alan Smith may look angelic but this just belies the heart of a monster that beats within. The temperamental Leeds star has stamped his authority on the opposition's defenders ever since he made his debut 4 years back. Should he go on a night out with Lee Bowyer I'm sure he'll extend that to the general public.
THE MANAGER
This was the toughest decision of them all. I decided that it should be a currently serving Premier League manager. This of course ruled out many options including, David O'Leary, who looks like he could very easily take up a job in a 'local shop, for local people', Peter Reid, the big monkey man and Mick McCarthy, who could easily pass for Herman Munster. However only one man truly deserves this job. A man who even when playing in Glasgow was considered a hardman, a man who later moved south to break legs in the English league, the man who once throttled Ally McCoist (and don't we all wish we could do that whenever he is on The Premiership?) but most of all I'll remember him for his cameo in 'Boys From the Blackstuff' with the legendary Yosser Hughes. This man is Graeme Souness.